Perfect Timing

If you have ever had a dog, you know that your praise must be immediate. You cannot praise a dog today for behaving well last week. Dogs have two time frames: NOW and NOT NOW.

With marine mammals, trainers use fish as their primary motivator. However, the trainer cannot feed Shamu the fish as soon as the desired behavior is done. Trainers have to be very careful that Shamu understands exactly what behavior he is getting the fish for doing. Shamu could think that he is getting the fish because he swam to the side of the tank, rather than for jumping out of the water and doing a flip in the center of the pool.

To communicate to the killer whale exactly what behavior is desired, trainers invented "click training." The trainer presses a device which makes a clicking sound at such a frequency that only the whale can hear it. After they hear the click, the whale knows they have performed the correct behavior. Then the whale can swim over to the side of the tank and get some fish. Jumping through the hoop in the middle of the pool is the desired, and clicked, behavior. Not swimming over to the edge of the pool. Trainers have to make sure the animal understands the difference.

I may have to apologize for this statement, but my children and my husband are like animals in that they also want (and need) instant reinforcement. I cannot praise my one year old today because she was quiet in her car seat yesterday. I cannot tell my three year old that I was proud of the coloring she did last week. Catherine is just now beginning to understand the concept of "tomorrow" as I try to teach her that tomorrow we are going to church, or the park, or where ever.

I find that I need to praise my husband right away or I may forget to praise him later. In fact, "may" is probably too weak of a word there. Our lives are so busy that it is almost a certainty that I will forget to praise him later. Then, I have lost the opportunity to reinforce the behavior I want him to repeat.

The author, Amy Sutherland, closed her book by stating that the number one lesson she learned from studying animal trainers is to carefully analyze what behaviors I am reinforcing, either intentionally or unintentionally. If I want my friends to respond to my e-mails quickly, I need to model that behavior and engage them in e-mail communication when they do respond. If I want my children to keep their toys picked up, I need to encourage them to do so every day until they develop the habit themselves. I need to keep the rest of the house clean and orderly.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Rewards

Animal trainers know that in order to motivate an animal, you must give the animal something better than what he already has. My dog gets fed every day, has access to water, and gets to live in our house and let herself out (via the doggie door) whenever she wants. In order to motivate her, I have to give her some kind of a treat that is above and beyond what she already has.

Animal trainers also use the smallest bit of reinforcement that is necessary. They want to have the option of escalating the reward in order to encourage further behavior from the animals.

With my children, I wonder what "rewards" I give them. Obviously all of their basic needs are met no matter what their behavior is. In addition, they have a huge selection of toys, books and movies at their disposal. Both my husband and I constantly hug, hold and kiss them. We both verbally praise them and tell them we love them all the time - sometimes several times a day.

So far they both seem to want to please me and engage me all the time. Catherine brings me books to read to her and sits herself down in my lap. Sabrina crawls to where ever I am in the house and pulls herself up on my pants leg. If I lie down on the floor, they both crawl all over me. I think they both crave my attention.

But can I withhold attention in order to motivate their behavior? I am so enamored by my children I don't think I can. Right now every time I give them attention it turns into a teaching moment. I explain things to them. We review colors. We practice counting. I make animal sounds. We sing songs. We paint. We draw. We tear paper. All of these are toddler skills they need to learn. Of course sometimes we just cuddle and giggle, but the physical exercise is good for all of us.

Is giving a child a reward for good behavior just bribery? Perhaps. That is one of those debates I can put on hold for now and address later. Right now my kids are motivated to please me. The threat of time out gets my three year old in line whenever she decides to challenge my authority. My one year old is devastated when she is told "No."

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Losing Behaviors

Animals may forget a trick if they don't practice it regularly. So, trainers have a set of review behaviors that they review with animals on a regularly.

Humans also forget behaviors which we do not practice on a regular basis. How many of us "used" to know how to do something?

I remember about ten years ago - before marriage, kids, big house, etc. - when I went to the gym on an almost daily basis. I took tons of step aerobics classes and loved the weight machines. I was pretty fit. Then, time passed and I got completely out of the habit. I gained a lot of weight.

Now I have lost weight and am trying to go back to the gym. A few days ago I took a step aerobics class. I was stunned at how hard it was for me to master the choreography - which I could have done so easily "way back when." It makes me so mad!! Why did I let myself get so out of the exercise habit? I know the only solution at this point is to force myself to get back in the habit, which includes struggling with re-developing those skills I once had.

I also once had the habit of consistent, dedicated quiet time. I read the Bible and journaled. God spoke to me so clearly during those times. Again, the busyness of life got me out of the habit. I know that I need to redevelop that habit, and then commit to never lose the habit again. Can I? Of course I can. Will I? I hope so.

Now when I have my quiet times, I struggle with my mind wandering to my To Do List. I find it so difficult to concentrate. I know that the ability to focus is a skill that must be learned and developed. It is a behavior which I fear I have lost through non-use. I need to re-learn that behavior to make my quiet time more productive. I cannot hear God speaking to me if my mind is wandering around on to a bunch of other topics.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Incompatible Behaviors

Animal trainers often teach "incompatible behaviors," or teaching an animal to do one behavior rather than stop doing an undesired behavior. The new behavior is something which makes the undesired behavior impossible to do - thus the two behaviors are incompatible.

With small children, parents do this automatically. It is called distraction. My one year old has so much to do that she cannot stand to lay still long enough for me to change her diaper. When given the chance, she will roll over and crawl off mid-diaper change. So, I have to give her something to hold in her hands during the diaper change - to focus her attention long enough for me to finish the job.

When I am making dinner, my husband always wants to help. However, there is simply not enough room in our kitchen for two of us to work at the stove simultaneously. So, I have "assigned" my husband the task of setting the table, pouring drinks, and getting the girls seated while I finish up dinner. Those tasks are critically important and satisfy his need to help and feel valuable. They also satisfy my need to have space in the kitchen to prepare dinner.

I also use this technique on myself. Like everyone, I cannot stand to wait. I try to utilize all of my wait time doing something else. Therefore, I forget that I am actually waiting and am satisfying my need for productivity instead. Doing some household chore is incompatile with waiting (which for me implies doing nothing).

For example, while my bread was in the toaster, I had sufficient time to unload half of the dishwasher this morning. It is a small task which I was able to accomplish, for sure. But, if I had simply stood next to the counter and waited for the bread to become toast, I would have grown impatient and checked on the bread a few times.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Reading Cues

Animal trainers, especially those who work with big cats, must learn to read cues from the animals very carefully. Their lives may depend on it. When a large cat stares at a trainer or crouches down a few inches, he may be preparing to pounce on the trainer. Knowing the power and strength of a big cat, the trainer has to respond to these cues before the pounce occurs. To address the issue after the fact will probably be futile.

Humans also watch cues from other people. Poker players call these cues "tells" and use them to guess if other players have good hands or are bluffing.

Animal trainers study their animals carefully, watch for cues, and then respond to the cues immediately. In order for me to do this with my children or husband, I need to study them well and watch them carefully. I wonder if I do this enough or if I am too focused on my own agenda.

With my one year old, I have to wacth her carefully to protect her. Dangers abound for her - when she crawls to the edge of the bed, when there are coins on the floor and she crawls towards it, etc.. Any mother watches a baby closely and intervenes seconds before danger occurs. But do I do this with my older toddler? Of course I do when safety is at issue, as a natural instinct. For example, my three year old must hold my hand or be carried in parking lots. She must take my hand before we step onto the parking lot, not in the middle of the parking lot. She has learned to put two hands on the car and stand next to me while I am getting her younger sister in and out of the car. I need two hands to get my one year old in and out of the car and cannot risk my three year old wandering around the parking lot.

Because my three year old is sick, we watch her carefully. A few small bruises may indicate her platelet levels are dropping and she could need a transfusion. Nausea may indicate a urinary tract infection which requires antibiotics. This hyper vigilance is quickly developed by all parents of children with cancer. Our fear for our children's health motivates us to study our children's bodies closely.

I wonder if I watch my husband's cues and respond to them. Certainly I know the basics - when he gets a towel out of the linen closet, he is about to take a shower. When he makes a bottle of milk for our one year old in the morning, he is about to go wake her up. But these "cues" are not subtle. They are obvious. Reading them is not hard - they are basically preparatory steps. And there is no need for me to respond or intervene.

What types of cues do I need to read to attempt to intervene and avoid certain behaviors? My husband does not have much of a temper. He doesn't have crying fits like my three year old does. I don't have to watch him carefully to avoid dangers like I do with my one year old.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Trying v. Doing

Animal trainers do not reward animals for trying to do a task. The animal would get confused as to what the desired behavior was.

Humans get a lot of praise for trying. Sometimes we don't even have to try, we can get praise for just talking about trying to do something. If I tell my friends that I wanted to learn Spanish, all my friends would praise me. Even before I actually learn any Spanish, or actually try to learn Spanish, I would receive verbal praise from my friends. Iwonder if this form of praising helpful and motivating, or does it simply encourage people to talk about doing things?

If I want to adopt this technique to working with my children, I would only praise them for succeeding at a task, not for trying. But, my children need praise and I am a great cheerleader for them. I know I can't stop verbally praising them. Instead, I can try to break down the steps to a task and praise my daughters for what they have done. I can encourage them to accomplish the next step in the task.

Training v. Taming

The capture and training of marine mammals revolutionized how animals would be trained. The techniques developed have been adapted to the training of all animals.

Simply put, a killer whale cannot be "tamed." You cannot make a killer whale do anything. It is simply too large. It can swim away if it wants to. It can grab you and swim off with you, drowning you in the process. So, progressive animal trainers had to develop new techniques to train these animals.

They had to learn how to coax these large animals to do what they wanted. Because it is impossible to tame such a large animal, they would have to train it.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Desensitization

There are 2 forms of training used to desensitize animals to a negative situation.

The first technique is Habituation, or slowly introducing an animal to a non-desirable situation. When I was a teenager, I worked with horses. Every so often we would have a horse that would spook at a particular object, such as a stream. We would desensitize the animal to the stream by regularly walking the horse up to the stream. Then we would make the horse stand near the stream for awhile. Then the horse could drink from the stream. Then step one foot in the stream. Eventually, the horse would walk right across the stream.

I have been blessed with children who have very few fears. My eldest child has been to so many doctors and hospitals that she easily adapts to any situation. My younger one seems to follow her sister's lead and just "goes with the flow" most of the time.

I do remember when we tried to transition our one year old from the baby bath tub which she reclined in to the big bath tub where she can sit up in a few inches of water. Every time we put her in the big bath tub, she screamed and fussed. She forcefully and suddenly arched her back in anger, causing her to fall backward in the water and flail around - the situation was quite dangerous. We were terrified that she would unwittingly slam her head into the bathtub, causing a concussion.

The only thing we could think of to do was to have her sit in my lap on the floor of the bathroom and watch her older sister take a bath. After a few days of watching her sister bathe, we let her stand in the bathroom and lean over the tub and splash the water. After a few days of that, we were able to put her in the bath tub (with her sister in there too) without incident. Now (of course it has been at least six months), she loves baths.

The second technique used by animal trainers is Counterconditioning, or giving a positive reward to make a negative experience positive. In layman's terms, we usually call this technique Bribery. Again, we had to use this technique with horses. If we had a horse that did not want to go in the barn, we simply broke the skill down into smaller steps and rewarded the horse with carrots for succeeding at each step. When the horse stood at the entrance to the barn, he got a carrot. When the horse stepped inside the barn, he got another carrot. When the horse actually walked into the barn into a stall, he got another carrot. The horse got a positive reward to overcome a negative experience.

With children I try to avoid bribing them. So far my children are motivated by two things: (1) receiving praise and affection from me and (2) avoiding time out. I am so blessed that my one year old stops behavior I don't want as soon as we say "NO." My three year old sometimes responds to "NO" and sometimes needs the threat of time out (we count to three and rarely get past 1). About once every other week we actually have to use time out. Fortunately, we have not needed to use more complex techniques to motivate our children yet. But, I know someday we will.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Set The Animal Up for Success

Animal trainers have goals for every training session. They repeat skills already mastered by the animal and introduce new skills. They break complex skills down into smaller steps. They "Set The Animal Up for Success."

With my children, who are very young, I generally had no goals at all with them. I tended to "wing" it and simply made up goals or lessons for them along the way. If a learning opportunity presented itself, than I took it.

After reading this book, I started to think of spending my time with my children with a goal in mind. My one on one time with my children would become "training sessions." Because my children are so little (1 and 3), the goals for each "training session" are small. With my 1 year old we spent 15 minutes working on her sit-to-stand skill and her standing without holding on to anything skill. She has not mastered it yet, but we are working on it.

My 3 year old loves to paint. Most of the time I simply let her paint whatever she wants while I prepare dinner or clean the kitchen. But a few days ago I sat down with her and showed her how to trace numbers with her paints. For various reasons, she does not have the small motor skills and hand strength right now to draw with a pencil. But, I still want her to learn how to form the numbers and letters. After a few tries, she was able to trace the numbers and letters I wrote with paint. As an adult, I know she won't use paint to trace letters, but at this point I was simply pleased that she was learning the shapes of letters and numbers.

I am hoping that if I treat my time with my children as "training sessions" a few times a day - only ten or fifteen minutes at a time - I will be able to teach them more. I will be able to see their progress. They will build skills in a systematic way which raises their self esteem and confidence.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Proactive Second Guessing

Animal trainers learn to live in the moment, BUT ALSO think ahead, anticipating an animal's next move or response. The trainer's safety requires such observation and prediction. The practice is called "proactive second guessing."

Chess players also learn to predict the next move (as well as the next several moves).

I know that I would be a better parent if I took the time to not only be aware of what my child is doing right now, but also what the next move or response will be. But how on earth does a parent have the time to study their children so intently? When will I be able to be so cognizant of my children? Can my brain handle all that information and filter through it so that I can learn how each child will behave in each situation?

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Hardwired Behavior

Animal trainers know that some behaviors are so hardwired, they cannot be changed. Badgers dig. Geese migrate. It would be a waste of time to try to train a cat not to lick his paws. Try teaching a dog not to sniff the ground looking for other animals' scents.

What behaviors in my spouse are so hardwired I cannot change them? Robby is in love with technology. His jobs have always centered around technology - for years he worked in the video & television ministry of a church and now he works with computers. I have no patience with learning new technology and find pen & pencil more effective much of the time. I frequently debate whether a new SOMETHING is worth the money. Robby frequently debates which new SOMETHING he should buy and which new SOMETHING our friends have.

It would be a waste of time for me to try to break Robby of this habit. I don't think he could remove my reading or scrapbook habits. I just have to learn to accept it (and budget for it).

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Know Your Species

Imagine that you just landed a job as an elephant trainer. The first thing you would do is research the species. You would learn that elephants are social, herd animals which respond to a hierarchy. Their trunks are strong enough to lift a log, yet precise enough to pick up a penny. They cannot jump. They graze all day long. They are neither prey nor predator.

Our Sunday School teacher's wife always tells us to become a "student of our mate." She repeatedly says that we have to observe and learn everything we can about our mates so that we can understand why they do what we do and how we can develop the best marriage possible.

I am not sure if this is normal, but I tend to think everyone thinks and behaves just like I do. You would think that I would have learned my lesson by now, but I am surprised when I realize that people don't behave exactly as I would have. In my line of work (juvenile and criminal defense attorney), this thought paradigm can be quite amusing.

But in my home, this thought paradigm can cause a lot of friction. I ought to spend some time studying my husband and my children. I like to have everything organized and am furious at myself whenever I misplace something. I refuse to look for something I need, because I know it will show up sooner or later. Robby doesn't have a need for things to be neat and organized and will spend 30 minutes frantically searching for something he has misplaced. He thinks of it as a treasure hunt, or a battle, and will not quit until he locates the missing item.

My girls are also different: Catherine is quiet and thoughtful. She rarely complains. Yet, when she is told to do something (like clean up her toys, go to bed), she pretends not to hear me, stalls or does the task at a snail's pace. We are still trying to figure out how to overcome her diversion techniques and not get frustrated at her. Any advice would be appreciated!

Sabrina, however, tends to complain a lot. She fusses (albeit only for a few seconds), when we take her clothes off, put new clothes on, change her diaper, put her in the car seat, take her out of the car seat, put her in the bathtub, take her out of the bathtub, etc. You get the idea. She starts and stops her crying instantly, so I don't think she is really upset. Plus, she will start smiling and giggling just a few seconds later. So why does she complain for that moment? Is it because we have stopped her from doing whatever she was doing?

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

"Any Interaction is Training"

Professional animal trainers believe that every time you have contact with an animal, you are teaching it something, either intentionally or unintentionally. Animals never stop learning from their environment, and humans are part of their environment. Inadvertent lessons can sometimes be quite hard to overcome. If a trainer reacts positively by smiling because an animal does something funny, the animal may continue to repeat that behavior, even if it is not a desired behavior. Then, the trainer is in the unenviable position of having to train an animal to stop doing a behavior that the animal just learned.

So, animal trainers learn to monitor their behavior and develop a great deal of self control. They know that their animals are watching them every minute and could learn bad habits from observing the trainers.

Today I put Sabrina down for a nap and fifteen minutes later I put Catherine to bed. Because the girls share a room, I always tell Catherine that she has to be quiet because Sabrina is sleeping. Contrary to my advice, Catherine still enters the bedroom talking and giggling. Thankfully, Sabrina is a heavy sleeper and doesn't even flinch. So, I thought Catherine didn't hear my instructions.

But, today as I was carrying Catherine into the bedroom, just about to give her instructions, she told me "Shh! Be quiet! Sister is sleeping!" I was so impressed with her memory.

At the same moment, I was humbled ... reminded that she is watching and learning from everything I do. I have to be so careful what I say and do around my children!

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.

Animal Trainer Mantras

I have recently started reading a book with a twist - it is about applying the same methods used by exotic animal trainers on your spouse and children to "train" them. Like any profession, there are some sayings that (I have come to learn) exotic animal trainers live by:

"Treat every animal as if it is a killer whale."

Marine mammal trainers are at a significant disadvantage when they try to train Shamu: the animal is so large compared to the human trainer, it is physically impossible for the trainer to make the killer whale do anything. Even if you could get a collar and a leash on Shamu, you couldn't control the animal anyway. It could simply swim away. Plus, you could not physically discipline a killer whale. How do you spank Shamu?

So, the trainer has to entice the desired behavior out of the animal. If you have ever been to Sea World, it is obvious that Shamu's main motivator is simple: a handful of fish plopped in their mouth. What motivates my husband? My children?

"It is never the animal's fault."

Animal trainers believe that animals only do what they are trained to do or not do. When an animal's behavior is not what is desired, then the animal has not been properly trained. It is the trainer's fault. When I think about my small children and their behavior, I wonder if I have taught them what I want them to know. Or do I let them do what they want and then react to their behavior??

"Everything with a mouth bites."

Animal trainers learn to never lower their guard. No matter how tame you may think an animal is, the animal still has the potential to harm you. Like exotic animals, my children are not robots. No matter how much I "train" them, they will still have free will and can do things I don't want.

This post was inspired by the book "What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love and Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.